Can either Idris Elba or Matthew McConnaughey be even slightly unsexy?

For Stephen King fans, it's a chance to see King's series of novels reach the big screen. For fans of fantasy action films, it's a chance to see an epic struggle between good and evil. And for everyone else, it's a chance to see a wrestling match between the 21st Century's sexiest he-men.

Idris Elba is The Gunslinger. Matthew McConnaughey is The Man in Black. Both are smouldering harder than a charcoal factory. But how to decide who smoulders hardest?

The only solution (trust us) is to compare the two actors' various screen performances. Not the conventionally sexy ones – not Luther and True Detective, not Magic Mike or Bastille Day – but the other ones, the ones that should be resolutely un-erotic. The ones that do their best to dampen the spark generated by these two towering sex-symbols.

Elba and McConnaughey's ability to be sexy in such circumstances isn’t in question. The questions are: who manages to be the sexiest, despite everything? Whose charisma burns brightest in the darkest hour? Which swaggering man-mountain peaks at the highest altitude? And how much can we objectify these poor men before shame kicks in?

We'll be honest: we haven't seen Daddy's Little Girls. It didn't look promising, though – the title in particular is vaguely sinister, and even Idris Elba can't rock a boiler suit.

But the boiler suit comes off. It comes off, people! And underneath, Idris gleams. He completely nails this first round.

Unlikely sex-appeal: ★★★★★

Gah. No. This isn't pretty. Everything about this has absolutely zero allure. McConnaughey barely even looks like himself. He's more of a deranged Chris Pratt, or a sweaty Steve Irwin. And then there's the acting.

For those of you who don't want to watch a clip called 'Texas chainsaw massacre 4 (1994) - Best scene', we'll just transcribe the noises that McConnaughey makes: 'NaaauuugghhhhahahahaahaHAHAHAUGHMmmoooooooooOOOOOOO!!! UNGH-UNGH-UNGH-UNGH-Oi!-Oi!-Oi!-GGRRRRHHHHHH'. Then he slaps himself in the face.

Unlikely sex-appeal: ★★★★★

This is just Idris Elba looking like a giant gold stag beetle. Beetles aren't sexy, Idris. Sorry. Maybe he thinks he can get an Academy Award by dressing up as an insane mutant Oscar?

It's not a complete loss, however. The gold contact lenses are rather fetching.

Unlikely sex-appeal: ★★★★★

Another Matthew McConnaughey film, another big plate of crazy. And this really shouldn't work. McConnaughey is bald and bearded. He's wearing a bomber jacket gilet. He's still shouting incomprehensibly.

And yet... God help us, but the combination of those elements has a sort of rogueish, post-apocalyptic-biker appeal. Or no? Probably no. But if you like your men testosterone-y, then this tattooed and froth-mouthed brawler might be for you. You lunatic.

Unlikely sex-appeal: ★★★★★

Hmm. The problem isn't so much the dodgy accent as the dodgy hairline. Not sure what's going on here, but it doesn't work for us. Maybe we're just uncomfortable about objectifying a complex and beloved political figure?

Still, we might be able to get behind this if not for Elba also playing 'old Mandela'. The make-up department on this film have done wonders, but he still looks half embalmed.

Unlikely sex-appeal: ★★★★★

If you're ever feeling depressive, just Google the premise of Tiptoes, a movie that almost claimed the careers of Gary Oldman, Kate Beckinsale, Patricia Arquette, and Peter Dinklage. These stars stepped into a maelstrom of cinematic awfulness, and McConnaughey, ever the hero, stepped in with them.

But: he looks like an actual Ancient Greek statue come to life.

Unlikely sex-appeal: ★★★★★

Doesn't look like Idris. Doesn't sound like Idris.

Unlikely sex-appeal: ★★★★★

Too, too sweaty.

Unlikely sex-appeal: ★★★★★

But the result bodes well for The Dark Tower, which doesn't appear to be placing many limitations on its stars' super-nova brightness. Elba and McConnaughey get to dress in black, they get to mumble cool lines, and – most importantly – they start on equal terms, at equivalent temperatures of pulsing hotness. Now: wrestle!